Chapter 18

Alpha’s apology

The sun has set as everyone gathers around the large fire to keep warm. I keep my distance as the smell of cooked meat spreads out. I am laying 10 feet away from them, trying to ignore their hushed conversations.

They are talking about me, what I'm doing, and how concerned they are with my change in scent and intentional isolation. I know they are worried that I am too far gone, but Rei keeps telling them that it is a choice. That if they want to help me they need to accept what I decide I need.

I can't help but feel grateful for her. It seems she is the only one that sees me more than just an omega. The way she confidently talks about me even when I am not there makes me happy. She barely knows me but treats me like her pup, showing me love that I am not accustomed to anymore.

I watch them for a while, pretending I am not listening. I'm waiting for Shoto to say something, but he just stares into the fire. His demeanor is different from what I have seen before. He looks tired and doesn't seem present in the conversation. I shake my head, scolding myself for even caring.

I finally tune them out, looking out to my old home. I let my memories play out in my head, pretending that they are real. I am content, finally alone to be by myself, only to be approached by Shoto. He has cooked meat in his hands as he is walking warily to me. I know that he is nervous of how I will react. The last time we were together was when he took my pack away, cutting my bond with the only wolves I had left.

I don't move as he sits by me, he places the food in front of me with an expectant smile. I rolled my eyes and take a small bite, ignoring Shoto as best as I could. I can feel my wolf becoming disgusted with the cooked meat.

I have become accustomed to the taste of blood and flesh. I have allowed my wolf instincts to take over when I ate, so eating the cooked meat was hard. Yet, I could feel my human side becoming happy. To be present while I ate was a treat for me.

Shoto and I sat in silence, the only sound was from the fire and the wolves sitting around it. I allowed myself to be content with the now foriegn sounds. It felt like so long ago that I was able to do this, to be around others.

Once I had my fill I got up, not even looking at the alpha as I made my way to my home. I didn't care where anyone else decided to sleep, it was none of my business. I just wanted to make sure they knew that this was my territory.

I lay down on the bed, and look out the broken window next to me. I stare at the stars as my mind wanders. It seems to be a habit to try and talk to my mom or Kacchan every night to help me fall asleep. I hate being alone, but with Todoroki's pack here, I feel even more alone.

I have always been on the outside looking in, feeling like I never belonged. Have everything taken from me without any care from others. I can feel all those emotions I have shoved aside rising to the surface. The flood that continues to come no matter how much I try to stop it.

I lift my head at a small noise close to me. I watch as Rei walks to the door, staying on the other side as she bows her head to me. Her respect for my territory is satisfying, even if it is only a dreary room. I nod my head as she waits for permission to enter.

She sits on the bed next to me and I lay my head on her lap, my wolf wanting the comfort she brought to be earlier. She smiles and threads her fingers through my fur and the feeling has me purring in seconds. She says nothing as she sits next to me. I don't know why, but just her presence makes me feel better. Her scent calms me and her breathing keeps me grounded.

After a while, she shifts and climbs on the bed. Her wolf is pure white, reminding me of fresh fallen snow. Her wolf is slightly bigger than mine but still smaller than a beta. My wolf has shrunk back to a normal omega size now that I don't have a pack. I was already a smaller omega to begin with, so her larger size brings comfort.

We curl around each other, my snout nuzzling under her leg and chest like a pup would do with their mother. She allows the intimate position, and my omega purrs happily as it soothes me. She begins to purr and lick the spot between my ears as we lay there, and within minutes I am lulled to sleep.

I wake the next morning still nuzzling Rei, the warmth she provides making it hard to wake. I haven't had this good of a sleep since the last time Shoto slept next to me. The thought makes me sad and a small whimper leaves me. Rei is quick to lick the spot in between my ears and if I could cry in this form I'm sure there would be waterfalls. I lay there, enjoying the affection and small bond that seems to be growing between us. I relish in it as it makes the void a little smaller.

I reluctantly lift my head and thank her with a small lick on her ear. I feel warmth travel through me when she scents me on the neck, a place reserved for family and mates.

I stretch as Rei shifts to her human form and walk outside together. I stop at the door and watch the wolves that are beginning their day. They are already eating food that they foraged and hunted. I slowly follow Rei, not really wanting to join the pack but not willing to leave the omega's side.

When Shin sees me, he is quick to welcome me and give me a hug. He scented me as he placed his forehead on mine. I close my eyes, my omega jumps around in my head at all of the affection I am getting. I guess we have been a little starved of that.

I am guided over to the fire that they have rekindled, nodding my head as everyone welcomes me. I lay next to Ochacco, causing a smile to show on her face. I have missed her happiness, just being next to her makes me feel better.

The morning goes by slowly as I sunbathe. My stomach is so full, I haven't felt this way in so long, I can't help purring at the feeling. Everyone else is talking around me, being lazy as they are only here for me. I know that they have come to take me back to their territory, but I am not leaving until I am done.

When my body had digested the food a little, I resumed my duty. Everyone watches me, not saying anything. I bet some of them are mortified that I would disturb those that have found their rest here, but to me, I know they will not truly rest until they are given a proper burial. As the only Royal Omega, I am going to give that to them.

I am shocked when I see Shin's wolf come up beside me. I watch as he starts digging in the snow helping me uncover more remains. He looks at me and I understand what he is doing. I grab the bones and take them to their resting spot as he keeps searching the snow.

I can't help but rub against him to show my gratitude. I know this is difficult for him, but his actions show me that he still cares for the pack that we have lost. We continue through the day, the task going fast with his help.

Once the sun had set and temperature started to drop quickly, we headed back to the others. They welcomed us with food and started to talk to one another. I took my food and quickly left, the conversation making me uncomfortable. I found the place I laid yesterday and enjoyed my food. The mixture between the affection and meal made me realize how much I didn't want to become feral.

Becoming a feral rogue is a psychological change that is slow and painful. Having a pack bond cut is a mentally destroying process, it drives a wolf insane. That is why rogues create their own packs, it eases the pain but it does little to fix the damage that has been done.

It is a taboo subject to talk about because of how damaging it is when it happens. So many wolves are taught this through stories and grow to believe it is a fable because of how few feral rogues actually exist. It is told like the Kamaitachi or Hyosube coming to steal away unbehaved pups. Treated like nothing more than a way to scare pups to listen to their parents and Superior Leader.

Even with many wolves not believing it is a real thing, every Superior knows that it is true. I was taught it just like every other wolf who is to take their pack under command.

My actions of leaving the Todoroki pack was inevitable, but it was still a decision to become a rogue. Choosing to become feral by cutting any bonds that held me together and denying any that could be formed. I now realize how foolish that decision was, how close I was to losing myself without anyone to connect with.

I look up as I see Shoto sit next to me, we share a look for a moment before I go back to eating. I wait to see what he is going to do. Part of me wishes he would leave me alone, while the other wants the small interaction.

"I wanted to apologize for what had happened." He says with a sigh. "It was inappropriate of me to conduct the ceremony when it would leave you with no bonds. I neglected rationality in the excitement and it caused you to suffer a fate that no wolf should have to live through. I am truly sorry."

I don't look at him, I don't know if I can forgive him or my old pack members. Yes, I don't want to become a rogue but I don't know if I want to join a pack where I was neglected. Especially by a Superior who is supposed to be my mate. It hurts to be abandoned like that.

"I don't expect you to forgive me. I just want you to know that there was a plan to bond you with your other pack members. I panicked when I realized you weren't there, we searched for you. I knew what was happening and it was unbearable. When my mother found you, we tried everything to get you to come to the pack for the bonding ceremony, but you were mentally gone. You couldn't hear anything we said." He takes a shaky breath as he rubs a hand over his face.

"I planned on bonding with you when you awoke the morning you left. I stayed with you the whole night, but was called away by my Superior Beta early in the morning. That was why I wasn't there when you awoke." I hear the regret in his voice, the slight shake as he continues.

"I chased after you for hours when you left, but I lost your scent and had to return for Shinso or Kami. We had to wait till their bonding time was over before we could come." His voice shifts into one of pain. I glance at him an see tears running down his face.

"I shouldn't have done what I did, I shouldn't have abandoned you." I can feel my omega whimper as he cries. I want to forgive him, but my trust will have to be rebuilt. This pain is heavy and the burden I had to carry was not of my choosing. It will be hard to be around Shin, Kami and Shoto, but hopefully the bond with Rei will be worth that struggle.